Welcome...

To the soft landing for those of us who feel like we can’t quite find what we’re looking for… 

Like something is missing… 

The ones who are woken up early and kept up late by the corners of our minds that are homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.

You’ve found a space you belong in.

I'm Amanda.

If you’ve ever…

 

  • Wondered why no matter how hard you try to fill your life with substance, you feel as if there’s a missing piece
 
 
  • Found yourself reaching for things outside of yourself to soothe something inside that’s just not quite right
 
 
  • Been unable to get out from under feeling inadequate for not meeting the “timelines” of life society has projected onto you
 
 
 

then you’re in the right place.

INTEGRATED.

COMING OCTOBER 2022

Sign up to get all the details on Integrated and be one of the first to join.

    Want to join people who get it?

    Starting in October 2022, I’ll be leading online journaling groups guiding like-minded people through writing prompts that’ll help us navigate the hard parts of life.

    Sign up to the left to get all the info on Integrated – first.

    I truly can’t wait to write with you.

    We're On Instagram

    Lessons from this week:
    1. Pay attention the first time someone shows you who they are
    2. Life truly is a series of dogs
    3. A clean environment = #mentalhealthhack
    4. Putting lotion on your hands and chapstick on your lips before sleep makes you feel like you have your life together on another level
    5. Someone can take a bright smiling picture in a face full of makeup and think about driving their car off a mountainside in the exact same day
    6. Grief is ever-evolving
    7. Plants need water more than every two weeks
    8. A peaceful and pleasurable life doesn’t just happen to you. You have to take an active part in making decisions that create it
    9. We no longer date boys in bands
    ...

    When you still clean up nice for a date despite having been sick for a week and not worn makeup for 17,935 of them ...

    When you’ve been working on your book proposal for months and finally have a breakthrough AND wash your hair on the same day #amanda2depression0 #winning ...

    Hi. I’ve been fighting nausea & vomiting all week and I’ve yet to find a way to be gentle with myself about feeling like shit. I’ve gotten some things on my list for this week done and not gotten other things done and somehow still feel like I’m losing the race of life and puking along the sidelines as I run.

    But today, lying on the couch with my Sprite, listening to music and finally allowing myself to just be where I’m at, I realize I’m also just really damn sad right now.

    And it’s begging to be acknowledged just as much as anything else.

    Sad that the void left by my soul dog Haylie a year and a half ago is proving to be untouchable.

    Sad that I’ve checked so many goals off my list in the last 1-2 years and I’m not feeling fireworks and wildly fulfilled by those accomplishments.

    Sad that the holidays are coming around again, which are just a painful time for me and have been for years.

    Just like…sad.

    And I wonder who else feels this way. And I commit to being gentle with myself today. And maybe even tomorrow, too.

    Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’m not alone. No matter how alone I feel right now.

    So if we’re sad (or sick) together today, let’s be gentle. For each other.

    I see you. And I love you.
    ...

    Grateful this Sunday morning for peppermint mocha creamer and that this girl loves me more than I actually deserve ...

    So many of them said you were selfish, but I understood you.

    I understood your pain.

    You were a brush with what would become my new normal for so long, life vs death.

    I recognized myself in you. I saw my own darkness, my own desperate existentialism, my own grasp at something out of reach.

    You put me into therapy. I started talking to someone because I saw the trauma your family endured when you left and knew I didn’t want that for the people who loved me.

    I remember your wisdom.
    I remember our long talks in our purple scrubs and how the computer screens lit up your face.
    I remember thinking you were such an old soul.

    Now I know I felt that because you were one of us. Someone who saw things differently, deeply. Felt things differently, deeply. Someone who constantly felt homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.

    My dad asked if I had a crush on you, because the depth of my grief after you took your life didn’t make sense to anyone.

    It wasn’t about that. It wasn’t a romantic connection. It was a soul connection. But I could never explain that.

    Now I know you felt what I am feeling.
    You thought the things I’m thinking.
    The same questions that haunt me, haunted you.

    I couldn’t help then. But I often wonder if I could’ve helped now. If the me I am today could go back to 2016 and talk to you, take some of the weight from your shoulders and leave you feeling less alone and hopeless.

    As the years go by and I get deeper into who I am and what feels like farther away from everyone else, I find myself longing for the friend I didn’t get to have in you.

    I wonder what you would say to me today. I wonder what words of wisdom you would have. I wonder how you would suggest I move through such an impossible-feeling place in life.

    Then I imagine your advice would simply be:

    Keep going.

    So I do.

    #worldsuicidepreventionday

    Thank you @jamielynnloomis for the photo. I treasure it.
    ...

    I’ve had two very smart people in the last 7 days tell me I put too much value on labels. I label myself too much. I’m too label-y.

    I told them I like labels because then I have explanations for wtf is going on in my life.

    Depressed, manic, suicidal, lost, relapsed, workaholic, bipolar, bulimic, recovered, single, childless, nail biter, plant killer.

    Or -

    Human.

    Maybe that’s what I am. Maybe identifying with these things is as unhelpful as alcoholics having to identify themselves as alcoholic in AA meetings (some of them - for some it works).

    Maybe it keeps me stuck and unfluid and in tunnel vision and too closely identified with things that society unapologetically deems problematic when, in fact, they’re just fucking human things.

    Maybe, MAYBE, we’re human.

    Maybe we have to let that be allowed.
    ...