Giraffes, Penguins and Transforming Yourself (And When To Stop Transforming Yourself)

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ” – Coco Chanel Today in 2014 I was at an audition for an E! News promo to air during the Academy Awards. I’d come straight from an audition for a sports drink commercial so when I got to the casting studio I sat in my car to do makeup & change clothes. Sports bra to push up. Shorts to halter dress. Reeboks to stilettos (that’s a lie, Reeboks to flip flops to stilettos I carried in from my car). I gathered my 1,926 bags that contained: A) all my work materials, B) some productive crap to do in event I had a long hurry up & wait period ahead of me, and C) a change of clothes & makeup for my next audition. I headed inside, all dressed up and with all my shit, looking […]

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About Birthdays and Control Issues

“Nature does not hurry; and yet, everything is accomplished.” – Lao Tsu Nature’s good that way. I’m, like, not quite as good that way. Today is my birthday and in regards to hurrying, if you’d asked me 5 years ago or 1 year ago or 6 months ago or even as recently as 2 months ago, I’d tell you about all these things I needed to have done and accomplished by the time this birthday came. Things that, to me, as birthday goals do to a lot of people, were a picture of my worth and my value as a person. I’m supposed to have x, y and z does by x age in order to be an acceptable human being. Therefore, the equation looks like this: x+y+z = bullshit. And while I’ve never, ever been good at math, in fact I’m way less than not good at it, I […]

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The best way out is always through. – Robert Frost

Hi. I’m Amanda. And I’ve started this blog 2,389 times and have no reason to believe this start with be any different that the other starts, which ended with lots of weird spam comments about buying handbags in China. But I’m hopeful. I’m a bulimic and compulsive eater with Major Depressive Disorder, generalized anxiety, and an ICD, or Impulsivity Control Disorder (which is a very fancy way of saying I bite the shit out of my fingers/fingernails until they bleed). I’m an ex-girlfriend who finally went No Contact last year from an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissistic personality, a suicide prevention advocate who has spent more time than I’m comfortable admitting suicidal, and an actress who recently ditched Hollywood’s bullshit standards to work on healing and actually liking whoever I am when I’m not who my agents told me to be. This evening, January 14th, 2017, after […]

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